I started reading the blogs of families who are in the process of adopting or have adopted from Ethiopia about a year ago. I feel close to about 4 families in a cyber-relationship sort of way because I've witnessed them go through the paperwork, the financial struggles, and the waiting. I've cried "with" them over their referrals and rejoiced "with" them when they brought their children home. It's made me feel close to the process even though Matt and I haven't started our own adoption. It makes me feel hopeful for the day when we will. I feel more prepared to face the ups and downs we'll encounter. It makes me excited and a little scared. Today, however, I experienced fury and heart break.
The other day I read the blog of one of the families I've felt this particular attachment to. In it, the woman expresses her anger over a conversation she had with someone she met. This is her blog entry (I don't reallly know if I can put this up but I'm doing it. She can have the internet police hunt me down if she doesn't like it):
What would you do if...
You were talking to someone who was in the process of a domestic adoption and they said they were open to adopting a child of any race EXCEPT African-American.... They were open to Hispanic, Asian, Native American....just NOT African American. When asked why they have these stipulations, their response is that they are not prepared to deal with the racism that still exists. They go onto say that they hear people say racism is not predominant anymore in our culture, but they believe it still is.
This is what I would say:
What the *#$@%?
Ok, Ok... I wouldn't say that really, but I would be thinking it and I would be furious! Isn't their stipulations on wanting a child of any race except African American only perpetuating racism? I feel that it is one thing to not be up for adopting a child of a different race than you...I get that. But to say you would adopt a child of any other race, just not African American??? This isn't ok in my book.
Josh would probably tell me that I needed to forgive a person who feels this way. I would probably say something like, "this offends me to my core, and they don't feel like they need to be forgiven for anything." He would then probably say something like "yes, but unforgiveness if affecting your heart, not theirs." I would then probably begrudingly say something like "ok, you are right."
What would you do? Talk to me.
I've never left any comments on any of the blogs I follow but I felt compelled to when I read that. Why? Because my own husband has struggled with the exact same feelings as the woman she was talking about and she called that person racist so she's basically calling my husband racist. My husband is not racist! I am not racist. So I wrote her back. This is what I wrote (by the way, TONS of people wrote her about this and I was the only one with this opinion):
I've been following your blog and the blogs of many other adoptive families for some time. My husband and I are going to adopt. It is my heart to adopt from Ethiopia but my husband's heart hasn't quite made it into Africa. He has concerns...the same concerns as the "racist" person you encountered and it makes my face burn and my temper flare at the thought that anyone has the right to judge his feelings of inadequacy as racism. He's acutely aware of his own shortcomings which is why he worries about being able to provide the kind of emotional support that a multi-racial family requires. We've done the research. It's not all rainbows and butterflies. Don't judge the hearts of people who want to love orphans but are scared of their own limitations.
~ LMCS
Something I wrote must of clicked with her because of all the people that wrote to her I was the only person she responded to. This is what she wrote:
Dear LMCS,
What my post is intending to address here is the near sidedness of the idea that one will only experience racial backlash by adopting an African American. This family I referenced in my post is open to adopting a Native American, Hispanic, or an Asian child, but not an African American child. The reason they gave is because they feel African Americans still experience racism and they do not feel equipped to handle it. Don't you agree with me that all of the other racial groups listed experience racism in America? I will reference the movie Crash.
As I mentioned in the post, I totally understand why some families do not feel called to adopt out of their own race. I get that...I do.
I celebrate with you your willingness to practice what James calls true religion and adopt... Be it out of your race, or in your race. That speaks volumes about you and your husbands heart! I am all for adoption of ANY kind!
My intention is not to judge the hearts of the people I referenced, but their logic for not adopting an African American.
I didn't respond to her. When she clarified a little more I understood more of what she was saying and I wasn't as upset. I do agree that ALL races come with stereotypes and some amount of racism..including Americans when we are abroad. My problem is that some stereotypes are "positive" and therefore aren't as painful as other stereotypes even though they are equally as wrong. Maybe this is why she thinks that we're racist. So my new issue is with an annoymous reader that left her message after the blogger's message to me. This is it:
Picture this:
Five children stand before prospective adoptive parents. Each child is from a different race: Asian American, Hispanic American, Native American, Indian American, and African American. The adoption parents go down the line and point to each of the first four children and say, "Yep, I am open to that one and that one and that one and that one but not the last one." The Asian, Hispanic, Native American, and Indian child all take one step to the left, while the black child stands alone, staring at the ground, kicking at a rock.
When the case worker asks the adoption parents why they were open to the first four children but not the black child, the couple responds, "Because we're not racist and we don't want this African American child to experience racism."
The other four children wave good bye as the African American child is taken back to the orphanage.
That made me furious and it made me cry and cry and cry. This annonymous person is saying we are racist. I'm NOT racist! My husband is NOT racist! I know it's ridiculous but I litterally sobbed for hours over this. How could anyone picture me standing in front of five little children who need love and a family and tell me I'd leave one there because of the color of his/her skin? I wouldn't! I could never! I don't want to do that. I want to do the opposite. I WANT an African child. How can you call someone racist that wants an African child? Just because I'm aware that in our culture there will be some difficulties with us raising African children doesn't make me racist. Does it? Just because I think about those things and I wonder if I'm the right mother to comfort and guide my future children through the prejudices doesn't make me racist. Does it? I have to say that until now I thought that because I was stopping to consider these things would make me a BETTER mother than someone who ignores them or doesn't believe they'll encounter any problems.
Have I lost my perspective here? What do you guys think? Please don't hesitate to tell me if you think I'm wrong...that perhaps I do harbor some issues. I need to know.